Is this it?

I am disgusted by myself on a daily basis.

I am a “secret eater”.

I am a fast food addict, if such a thing exists.

I am 31 and feel 51.

I am five feet tall and scared to weigh myself. My best guess is 220 lbs.

I’m one of those hilarious, sarcastic, self-deprecating fat people.

I didn’t realize I was this far gone until I suddenly looked at myself and saw and felt like Jabba the Hutt. I knew I was heavy, I knew I was a “big girl”, I knew I was fat. You guys, I’m beyond fat.

I eat fast food at least two meals a day on average. My husband has no idea.

That fact brings me more shame and self loathing and fear than anything else.

My son is not quite two and while I know I want to be here for him and I want to be a healthy, active mom, and I know this could kill me… I’m so tired and so out of control that it feels I feel like a lost cause most days.

This is me.

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I’m going to try to change. Theoretically I know how.

Eat less.

Move more.

Stop hitting the drive thru.

Drink water.

Eat veggies.

Smaller portions.

Make healthy choices.

Get off your ass.

Gravy isn’t for everything.

Neither is ranch.

You guys, I don’t know if I can do it. In fact, I’m pretty sure I can’t.

But at least tomorrow, I’m setting one small goal. No fast food tomorrow. That’s my goal. I don’t know what I’m going to eat, because I don’t know what food we have in the house (I don’t think there’s much) and I don’t get paid until Tuesday, but I know that I absolutely would find the money to pay for a quarter pounder so that can’t be my excuse.

So, yeah. Maybe I finally hit rock bottom. The turning point. Maybe.

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3 thoughts on “Is this it?

  1. One day at a time! You can do it. We are here to cheer you on and lift you up- whether you have a great day or if you falter sometimes. Praying for you to have strength and to know the beauty that is in you truly does shine through.

  2. You can do this!!! You’ve got a whole support team of summer mommies that will help you through it. Starting with one small goal like you did is the right way to attack this evil feeling. And when you feel ready, I found tracking foods and exercise on “my fitness pal” and wearing a Fitbit Zip pedometer really helped me.

    • Love myfitnesspal because you can friend people and so then, I’m lying on the couch eating a bag of chips and it pops up “Kelly just ran 7.3 miles!” Or “Addie just ate a healthy meal!” So then I’m all, “screw those b$&@*^#,” and I get all competitive and throw out the chips and go run too. Totes awesome.

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